lately i just dont like going out cause i feel so fucking fat.
i honestly hate myself for how much i cant stop myself from eating. i regret every single bite i take.
yes mother, tell me i have an eating disorder and then proceed to tell me that I’m fat.
what the f*** is it that you want from me? honestly. I f******* did everything and just because i ate not even a fucking meal your gonna sit there and tell me that I’m fat.
thanks really.
yeah ill just go on to fucking starving myself again. actually no. ill fucking go become bulimic if that what you want. will that satisfy you?
is THAT enough?
so throughout this whole pageant preparation i couldn’t see what God was trying to show me through this let alone even thought about it that way. UNTIL, i faced a brick wall. I couldn’t memorize everything. EVERYTHING i was doing to prepare for this pageant was through my own strength and i thought that if i did everything perfectly then i would have a chance. well turns out thats never how it is! which is actually amazing. I think God was trying to show me how much love my parent have for me and through that the love God has for me. if my parent love me enough to deal with PSYCHOTIC-ness throughout all the stressful meltdowns to my bipolar happy moments then how unconditional IS God’s love for me? Do i even know what unconditional means? (obviously not till now) God love’s me so so so much, that even when i spit in his face, turn my back against him, and just do everything AGAINST Him, He STILL wants ME. He STILL LOVES ME. ME. I think thourhgout this pageant the nastiest side of me was revealed. I treated my parents like dirt. blaming them for putting me through this when i wanted to do it. i just never had the guts to admit it. and i kept lying to myself and everyone around me that it was them when it was really because i wanted to feel beautiful. BUT not everything is different. because I’m not doing it for me or my parents. I’m doing it in front of God for God because of the love i have for my parents and God Himself. Through him I have the strength to do anything. This doesn’t mean that I think I’m going to win. yeah it will be nice but after today’s rehearsal i realized how much fun this actually is! I love this. there we go i said it. yeah its a struggle to stay thin and yeah i am the biggest out of all the girls. but I’m okay. because the only eyes watching me that I’m concerned for are God’s eyes. and BAM!
now i see why God let me through this. maybe i haven’t relayed it completely. but still I’m a step closer! God open my eyes. I am just starting to see your works.
Now time go read some of Deuteronomy.
Gained weight…. Going into starvation mode for the next three days..
Honestly, this is the worst birthday of my life… Some of the most important people in my life forgot it was today.. I spent it watching other people eat cupcakes and hamburgers. Got a reality check that no 20 pounds isnt enough. Nothing ever is. And that yeah im gonna fail. But thats whats great about life. It keeps moving on. Every second is new. No moment can be repeated. So the good and bad memories. No need to linger on them. Just like today. My birthday will pass. And that’ll be the end of it. So whatever. Really dont feel like going to out dinner to celebrate especially since i shouldnt be eating. Guess i just have to sit there and just suffer through an hour of staring at food.
Getting closer to my goal!! 116! And finally fit in my shorts from freshman year! Success.
내 일 부터 아무것도 안 먹기! 헐…..
I eat about 500 calories a day and i feel fat as shit… Idk whats wrong with me.
Everything i eat i can feel adding a layer of fat on my stomach.
Ate 145 calories today.
Now lets see how my workout goes…
I really don’t wanna cry again…
this past weekend till tonight there hasn’t been a night i haven’t cried and it sucks.
ughh, somethings bothering me but i can’t tell what it is.
I think this is why i like being awake at night. I’m more aware of what I want.
oops did that just contradict itself?
